Earlier Heaven: To Whom It May Concern
by BrilliantDarkness
Summary: "A happy family is but an earlier heaven." George Bernard Shaw Buck's life has undergone many changes. More are coming fast. Insecurities, fear and excitement build within him.


**I know I have been sporadic about the EH stories. This one goes backward in a way. All the way back to just a few months after Restoring Faith ended.**

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"Honestly, Buck," Jenny sighed in exasperation. "I've seen honey bees in flower gardens that didn't hover so close."

She was right. He was hovering. He knew he was. But he couldn't help it.

Buck's head shot up when he heard her giggle. He watched her laboriously waddle over to him.

"I shouldn't snap at you," she said patting his cheek gently before resting her hand on the side of his face. "I know you worry and it's actually rather cute. I'm just afraid I'll trip over you."

Buck looked sheepishly away.

"I guess I'll find something to keep me out of your way today."

"Nope," Jenny replied slyly. "You need to get the buckboard around. I'm going to spend the day with Faith and Emmy."

"I'll come with you," Buck offered. "Jimmy could probably use some help around the place."

"Whether he could or not isn't important. If you came with me, you'd spend the day hovering instead of helping your brother."

"I wouldn't-"

"Yes you would," she giggled in response. "You know, I think my father has a shipment coming this afternoon. Maybe you could go and help him. He has trouble admitting he's not as young as he used to be. He tries to do too much and he's too stubborn to ask for help."

"That stubborn streak must run in the family," Buck muttered under his breath.

"Good hearing also runs in the family, Buck."

"I'll go get the buckboard around," Buck replied suddenly in a hurry to get out of the house.

As he readied the buckboard, Buck fought the near panic that tried to rise within him. His rational mind reminded him that Jimmy and Faith were no more than two miles out of town and that Jimmy would protect Jenny and watch over her like family. Furthermore, rationality told him, Faith was a woman who had just been through childbirth herself. Little Emmy was only a few months old. Faith had even promised to be with Jenny when the baby came.

There was nothing to worry about. Jenny had at least a month to go anyway and there hadn't been the slightest sign of anything going wrong thus far.

Thus far, his fear jumped up to repeat. Anything could happen. Anything could go wrong. If Jenny was between Rock Creek and Jimmy's place…she might be too far from either place to be heard.

Maybe rationality would win inside of other men but Buck knew things other men did not. Buck knew he was on borrowed time with all this happiness. He had spent the better part of his life fighting the stigma of being lesser and logic told him his fears were unwarranted. But still, that didn't stop the fear of losing it all from rearing its ugly head. Buck knew he wasn't meant for the same happiness as other men.

In a world where every man had a place, a niche...Buck was simply not meant to fit, to truly belong. He was not white and he was not Indian. He was both and neither. He had friends that had become a family to love him. Then watched as they were one by one taken from him. Few remained now. Just Jimmy, Cody, Kid and Lou were left. Teaspoon was in his dwindling years. Emma had gone. He hoped Rachel might stay around with Teaspoon but if she moved on he would understand.

Jenny was that gleam of hope that he could have what he'd always longed for, what every other man wanted. With Jenny, he could build a family just like any other man. Jenny was everything he dreamt of. Jenny shouldn't fit anywhere either and yet she fit everywhere. She made him fit finally. It only stood to reason that she would be taken away and the pure hope she carried in her womb along with her.

"Haven't you hitched that horse yet, Buck?"

Jenny's teasing voice broke through his thoughts. Without even considering his actions, he pulled her swiftly into his arms and kissed her soundly.

When the kiss ended and he pulled his head away from her, Buck could see tears standing in her eyes. He wanted to say something. His mouth worked but no sound came out.

Jenny was surprised at her husband's actions but seeing his eyes as he fought to find the words to express himself broke her heart. He might have thought he needed to speak but she already knew. Placing a hand at either side of his beautiful face—she would have denied it years ago, but she thought him beautiful the first moment she laid eyes on him—Jenny pulled his head toward hers. His eyes slid away from her gaze.

"Buck, look at me," she whispered. "Look me in the eyes."

When his frightened and conflicted eyes finally met hers, she spoke again.

"It's going to be alright," she said firmly. "I believe that and I need you to believe it with me."

He nodded but she could see the lack of conviction in it.

"Repeat after me, Buck Cross," she demanded. "Everything is going to be alright."

Buck felt strengthened by her tenacious faith.

"Everything is going to be alright," he repeated. "I love you, you know."

"Of course I know," Jenny said simply as a smile played at the corners of her mouth. It was impossible not to smile when she heard those words from him. "Just as I know that I love you too."

They stood there for a moment grinning at each other as schoolchildren beholding a first crush.

"Are you going to hitch that horse for me or do I have to do it myself?" Jenny finally asked.

"Your wish is my command," Buck answered bending to kiss her quickly and pausing only long enough to gently rub a small circle over her expanding belly. There was movement within and he chuckled. "I think someone wants to go play with Emmy as badly as you want to visit Faith."

"I wonder if it's because she wants to be friends with Emmy or if he has a crush."

"I can't wait to find out," Buck replied. "I'm almost hoping it's the first one. If not, he might find himself on the wrong end of those Colts."

"Something tells me that when Emmy gets older, a child of yours taking a shine to her will be the least of Jimmy's problems," Jenny laughed. "She's already so strong-willed. And our son might have to get in line anyway. She's so pretty."

"That she is," Buck agreed. "And that is why I also sort of hope this is a boy. With you for a mama, if this is a girl…I don't know what I would do."

"Why is it men look for problems coming until they can't enjoy the present?" Jenny mused as she sat a bag next to the bench seat of the buckboard. It contained some sewing she and Faith were going to work on together.

"Because the trouble will always come," Buck said. "Maybe not every problem we think of comes to be, but if we never think about the possibility of trouble then it blindsides us. That's always worse."

"It's no wonder I never worry," Jenny giggled. "You worry enough for ten people. You've got me covered."

With that she turned her face upward to welcome a goodbye kiss from him and allowed him to help her onto the buckboard with a promise that, upon arrival, she wouldn't try to get down on her own. She would let Jimmy help her.

Buck watched her drive off and thought about how hard he had tried to push her away when she first came home. He really was his own worst enemy sometimes.

Of course he had his reasons and they weren't terrible ones either. It was no secret that he had held feelings for her when he had first met her. He hadn't wanted to and they hadn't been immediate. She was a confused kid who needed help. He had a special perspective that might be able to give her that help. That was it.

He wouldn't deny for a moment that she was pretty but that hardly equated to love…except for Cody and even he had grown some depth when he'd fallen for the wan girl in the faded work dress. Or maybe he hadn't. Maybe Cody had just been able to see the gem within the colorless rock all along. Love could be like that.

Pretty didn't mean he was in love with someone though. Pretty was just an observation. She was younger than he was. She was scared and confused and angry and he wanted to help her like no one had tried to help him.

By the time she left, his feelings were different. It still wasn't love but he wanted to get to know her and see if it could be.

It was more than his own feelings that made him wish for her to stay. He believed Tompkins was ready to heal and grow. Buck wanted to see if it could happen. He wanted to know if all those wounds could be healed. He wanted to hope they could.

But she had turned her back on her father and on him as well. Sure she kissed him before she left but it was a chaste and friendly kiss. It also came on the heels of making it clear she wasn't coming back.

That had hurt. If she couldn't like him just a little then Buck worried that no one could. He knew the right girl wouldn't be easy to find but until that moment he believed she was out there. Her certainty that she would not be back and her chaste and friendly kiss told him she wasn't. It wasn't just that Jenny wasn't the girl…it was that she didn't even want to see if she was. She just had no interest.

He pushed her out of his mind. When Tompkins had come to him a little over two years ago to say that Jenny was coming to stay with him for a while, Buck stayed cool. He kept his distance. She came to call on him at the marshal's office the very first day and he'd been aloof at best with her. He'd barely met her eyes.

That was strategic on his part. Meeting her eyes would tear down his resolve. She didn't want him. She'd made that clear enough. Still, she had made a point of coming to visit. He supposed she could have breezed into town without acknowledging him at all. That would have completed her rejection of him.

Of course coming to see him meant they were friends. Buck, of all people, knew what a commodity friendship could be. So he remained civil even as his heart inexplicably sank with her returning friendship.

And she was back again the next day. With a pie.

"Hello again, Buck," she said cheerily as she let herself into the office. "I know you still partake of Rachel's cooking but I found the loveliest patch of huckleberries and I picked far too many. I made a pie for Pa already but there were just too many. I had to make another. I thought you might like it."

It was then that he looked at her. Her expression stopped him cold. She wasn't trying anything. This wasn't pity or anything else he had conjured up in his suspicious mind the day before. She looked nervous and perhaps a bit frightened. It was as if she was afraid that he'd turn away from her, push her out of his life. Gone was the once confidently strong, if false, front he had once known in her. She stood before him, completely vulnerable, her guard down. This was just one person reaching out to another.

"Thank you, Jenny," he said softly. "That was nice of you to think of me."

She seemed relieved, letting out a breath and finally relaxing her shoulders. The two of them stayed like that a while, each not knowing quite what to say. Jenny finally broke the silence.

"I guess…I guess I should be getting back to the store."

Her voice was reed thin and almost sounded a little defeated. Buck just had to stop her as she headed for the door.

"Eagle Feather," he said more sharply that he meant to. Jenny's hand froze on the doorknob and she slowly turned her head to face him in question. Buck wasn't sure what he had meant to say when he called her name but he knew he'd better think of something quick.

"When you came to see me yesterday," he began nearly stammering in desperation to say something, and not just something but the right thing. "I, uh, I didn't welcome you. I meant to…I'm glad you came to Rock Creek."

Her smile beamed as his insides flipped around.

"Thank you, Buck. I think I'm glad too."

He remembered the first time they went anywhere together. It wasn't love then. He knew that, and wasn't fool enough to hope.

It wasn't love for her either, nor was she looking for love on that day. But Jenny looked forward to spending time with Buck all the same. She longed for a friend, and knew she could find it in Buck Cross. And while she did find him very attractive, it would be quite some time before she ever dared confess that to the man who came to pick her up.

Buck had been so nervous as he went to the store to pick her up. They weren't doing anything spectacular. Just going for a ride and she was bringing a basket of food. It was not courting. She didn't know anyone else in town really and Buck had few friends.

Two. Buck had two friends. He supposed that with age came the possibility of becoming more of a peer and friend to Teaspoon than a kid but he didn't feel he'd gotten there at that point. Truth be told he still wasn't there and might not ever be more than the young guy sitting at the older man's knee looking for wisdom and approval. At that time, the only friends Buck had anywhere near town were Kid and Lou. They were good friends.

The problem was that Buck could no longer relate to either of them. Lou was still capable of anything she ever had been. There was no doubt of that. But in the years since Jamie had been born, Buck thought he could count on one hand the number of times he had seen Lou in pants. She cooked and mended and cleaned and saw to the children. And relating to Kid was just as difficult. Kid was a family man while Buck was still alone. It was nice when Cody came to town. Sure Cody was married but sometimes he would come without Heather and the little ones. There were two then. Three now.

So Buck wanted Jenny's friendship as much as she wanted his.

That day, as Buck lay stretched out on their picnic blanket, Jenny quietly finished unpacking the food she had brought. He was lost in thought as his eyes followed the bugs buzzing lazily over the pond they were near and almost didn't hear Jenny's soft voice calling his name.

"Buck."

He looked up and smiled easily at her. She really was pretty with the afternoon sun shining into her golden hair. It practically took his breath.

Her blue eyes met his. "Thank you, Buck"

Furrowing his brow, Buck waited for more explanation, but she had already shifted her focus away from his brown eyes to a blade of grass that had suddenly caught her interest. Plucking the green blade, Jenny focused on tearing it apart.

"I'm sure you're welcome," he had replied. "But I don't know what you're thanking me for."

"When I left Sweetwater…I don't think I left things very well with you. I know I didn't with Pa. I wrote to him in the last couple years. But…I wasn't sure if I had…pushed you too far away to still be your friend. You tried so hard to be a good friend to me and I was terrible to you. I dread to think about your opinion of me then."

There was a time when he would have been nearly devastated to be merely a friend to yet another pretty girl. But at that moment…having a friend seemed like the best thing in the world. Besides, he had seen what friendship had developed into between Rachel and Teaspoon. It seemed like something stronger than what others had that had built only upon an expectation of romance.

"If you had come back even a year ago," he told her with a distant sort of smile. "I probably wouldn't have given you a chance. But I'm not the same man I was when you left Sweetwater. I see that and I know you aren't the same girl either."

"I really was terrible, wasn't I?"

He shook his head resolutely.

"You were hurt and you were torn apart. So little of what you lived through was fair or right. If I hadn't started liking you…just a little…I wouldn't have been so upset by your leaving. I might have written or something. I'm sorry for that."

"I'm not," she confessed. "I wouldn't have written you back. I didn't know what to do. I knew Pa wanted one thing of me and I determined you wanted the opposite. I didn't know where or if I fit or even if I wanted to fit anywhere. I went from thinking I knew which side was right to believing neither side was. Over time I thought a lot and decided both are a little right and a little wrong. I could pick and choose what felt right and true to me."

She stopped talking abruptly but Buck could sense she wasn't done. Her body was tensed and he could almost see her mind turning over what to say, how much to reveal to him. Finally she relaxed her shoulders and seemed resolute in what she would say next.

"It was only after I had decided what it all meant. All the time with the Lakota, seeing Pa again…meeting you…losing Mama…only when I knew who I was—or who I wanted to be—could I come back and be it. Well, I could go anywhere and just be…me. So I thought and even though I never lived here, Pa is here so I decided it would be a good home. For a start anyway."

"For a start?" Buck asked with one eyebrow raised.

"I'm of an age where I might meet someone I might want to be with," she said shyly. "I think when I left Sweetwater, you had ideas that you could be that. In the time since, I know I thought it once or twice."

Buck watched her hands twist in her lap.

"Eagle Feather," he began, "I didn't ask you to go riding because…not that I don't…I mean…I don't want you to feel pressure to be something to me that you aren't. I don't know what I feel…"

He looked at her helplessly and could see her determination to put her cards on the table.

"I know," she finally said. "And even if you knew what you wanted, I still don't and I won't be pushed into anything. I wouldn't have been good for you or anyone then. I wasn't good for myself then. I don't know what this might be, Buck. I won't say I'm in love because I just don't think I am. Maybe I could be…I don't know."

She threw her hands up in the air in exasperation with herself.

"That sounded just awful," she stated. "What I mean is that I have always felt something for you. I just don't know. I thought I loved Black Wolf but I know now that I didn't. I've never been in love and I've only been back a week. But…"

She looked up at him as if worried she had said too much. Buck decided it was time to take over.

"I understand. I have always cared for you but I don't know what that means yet. Maybe we start by being friends…getting to know who we've become…"

Buck smiled at the memory of that day. Since that time, they had spent more time together. Jenny had invited him to supper with her father and her. He had invited her to dine with him…and Rachel and Teaspoon.

Neither of them could pinpoint when exactly, but over the weeks and months, their friendship deepened. They were in love and eventually neither could deny it. When Buck finally realized what he felt, an urgency grew within him. He had to tell her. But it had to be special. He couldn't just randomly blurt out that he was in love with her. She deserved something better than that. So one night when she had invited him for coffee and pie, he asked her to walk with him.

The moon was full and big and lovely as it illuminated their walk. The spring air was crisp with the bite of the lingering winter that relinquished its hold on the days but still laid claim to the nights. The stars shone like crystals above them. It was perfect. He could not have ordered a better night.

"Jenny, I need to tell you something," he said when they had reached a rock where they could rest and gaze at the beauty of the starry sky.

"Yes Buck?"

Her eyes were wide and tiny creases formed between her eyes. He resisted the urge to pull her to him and kiss her. It wasn't the right time...not until he spoke his piece.

"All these years I watched my brothers get their piece of something that I think every man wants. I'm not talking about the house and kids and all that. I'm not even talking about a woman…well, I am but not like…not like maybe you'd think. I mean…a partner. Someone to share everything with. Someone who's there when the day has just gone from bad to worse who will let you rest your head on her shoulder and borrow some strength. And when a day is good…when the sun is shining just right or the sky is a brilliant blue or something happy has happened…someone to rush in and tell about it. And someone who will come to me with sadness or joy…we all want it."

He paused and looked up to the moon, calming himself in her pale light.

"I probably claimed not to care once or twice," he went on. "I lied. I always dreamed of that. I even spoke to this woman…almost like I was writing her a letter. But I didn't know who it was to. Just like those letters that say 'To whom it may concern'…I would tell her my sadness in my thoughts. I would share the joys and wonders of the day. If I heard a joke I thought was funny, I would tell her. And I would dream of what she would be like. I never got so far as dreaming of a name or a face for her. But little things…like she would have an easy laugh and a soft voice that would soothe my mind like music."

He took her delicate hands in his work worn ones and looked into her eyes.

"Now when I think of her, when I am alone with my thoughts and I want to tell someone of a beautiful flower or a newly hatched bird…or the majesty of the moon on a night like this, I do not begin with 'To whom it may concern'. I start with your name. Jenny Tompkins…my lovely Eagle Feather…I love you. I don't know how you feel about me but I know…I know how I feel about you and I couldn't wait a moment longer to tell you."

Jenny's look of uncertainty faded and became one of pure and unabashed joy.

"Buck…I love you too. I just didn't know how…or when…to tell you."

Now the time was right and Buck did not hesitate a moment longer before bringing her face to his and tenderly capturing her lips. They were warm as they melted into his. His arms wound around her, pulling her tightly to him. Her body fit so perfectly in his arms, as if she had been built for him to hold.

The kiss ended and Jenny rested her head against him with a happy sigh.

"I should probably get you home now," Buck noted.

"Why the rush?" she asked sounding disappointed that their evening was to be cut so short.

"Because I have to have a talk with your father…tonight. I know what I want for the rest of my life and once a man knows something like that, he needs the rest of his life to start as soon as possible."

That night was not really that long ago. Just the previous spring. Just about a year and a half behind them. Now Jenny was big with his child and now Buck could so often see how everything he wanted for the rest of his life could be snatched so easily from him.

He shook his head and looked at the position of the sun in the sky. Just past noon. He should head over to the store and help his father-in-law. Jenny was right. The man was getting older and still tried to do all a man of half his age would. Buck smiled as he thought about the stubborn streak that seemed to run through both sides of Jenny's family.

He began the short walk to the store thinking how he should help the man out more. His child needed his or her grandfathers. Working for Teaspoon allowed Buck to help the man who was closest to a father to him. Now he needed to take better care of Jenny's father as well.

The supply wagon was unloaded and Buck was about halfway through arranging the items in the storage room when he felt another presence in the room with him. He still kept working until he heard Bill Tompkins clear his throat. At the sound, Buck looked up but offered nothing.

"It might not be my business," Tompkins began, "But…I feel like I've finally gotten to know you a little bit, Buck. You're not a talkative guy and that's alright. I don't mind quiet myself. Still, you're even quieter than normal today. If there's something on your mind…I'd like to think you'd feel you could talk to me."

Buck began to shake his head and try for some form of thanks that allowed him to keep his silent reverie. Then something shifted within him and it felt right to talk about it. Maybe it was knowing that Tompkins had once been in his shoes. He'd once been an expectant father and relatively new husband. Maybe it was just time to talk to someone.

He had thought about bringing it up to Jimmy but…it just never seemed right. Not the right time or maybe not the right conversation.

Suddenly months worth of worry and fear came tumbling out of his mouth like flood waters over the banks of a river and Buck was powerless to stop it. When he finally finished, he looked sheepishly up at William Tompkins. His father-in-law was perhaps the greatest enigma Buck had ever known. He did not know what to expect. Perhaps anger or laughter.

What he found etched on that weathered face was concern…and thought. The man was deeply contemplating all he'd been told.

Tompkins wasn't sure what had been bothering his son-in-law that day. He had a suspicion it had something to do with Jenny. When he'd asked, he didn't expect Buck to tell him anything. He didn't blame Buck at all. There were times when he'd been so terrible to the young man that it was some kind of wonder Buck had even done him the honor of asking for Jenny's hand.

When Buck's fears flooded out at him, Tompkins wasn't sure at first what to do. It was overwhelming and yet…he felt strangely honored. Maybe they'd even be friends in time. He'd like that. When Buck's words stopped, Tompkins felt the true test had begun. He didn't want to make light of anything. He had been young and in love and in wonder of the woman who had chosen to love him. He knew the feeling of waiting for another shoe to drop.

So he thought long and hard about how to respond. Finally he took a deep breath and began to speak.

"I understand where you're coming from Buck," he said at last. "But I think you might be confusing your feelings some. Maybe you're a little scared. But I think maybe you're more excited. I think you just can't wait to meet that little guy or gal. You're already dreaming of what it's going to be like to be a father and have a little one around like you see Hickok doing. You want it and you're getting impatient. It's normal. We all do it."

Buck contemplated the words for a moment. Tompkins had a point. He might even be right.

"So what do I do to keep from driving my wife crazy?"

Tompkins laughed heartily.

"If you ever figure that out, write it down…you could make a fortune selling that secret to husbands everywhere."

Then he grew serious.

"Wait here a minute."

Buck nodded and did as he was told and soon Tompkins was back with a paper in his hand.

"I remember when Sally was expecting Jenny…I felt so much of what you do now. I didn't know what to do with it all either. Sally was about to kick me out on my…uh…ear. So I decided to channel it a little. I wrote down a letter of sorts to the baby. My hopes for her…or him…she wasn't born yet so we didn't know. I guess what I thought being a father was going to be like. Anything that popped into my head."

Buck could see the genuine emotion on the other man's face and stayed quiet. He was being let into a place within William Tompkins that few were allowed access to.

"I stumbled across this recently and decided I was going to give it to Jenny after her baby was born. I'd let you read it but it's really between her and me…I guess if she wants you to read it, she'll show it to you…"

Buck smiled.

"Thanks," he said as he stuck out his hand. "I never would have thought I'd ever say this to you…but I'm glad we're related."

Once the last of the new merchandise was put away, Buck headed for home. His step was light and his heart was too.

Upon arriving home, he sat down at the kitchen table with paper, ink and pen.

"_To Whom it May Concern,_

"_My dear little one, hello…this is your father. You'll probably just call me Pa. I try to think of what your voice will sound like calling to me. I want to hear it. But I can't just yet._

"_I can already feel the weight of you in my arms and your breath on my neck as you slumber away lost in sweet dreams. I can imagine your tiny fingers wrapping around mine and I can feel how much I love you and your beautiful mother. When you meet her, she'll take your breath, I promise. _

"_I don't know how I can miss someone I haven't met but so much of you is so real to me…you are so near now. Only a month away and yet…you are too far because you are not here yet._

"_Our home is too quiet with want of your voice. I think every day of what it will be like when you finally get here, my child. My son or maybe my daughter. I don't even know your name yet. I feel the need to as I once felt the need to know the woman who would partner with me through life. Right now you are Sally or Ike._

"_I can't wait to tell you stories of the person who gave you your name…whichever name it is. I can't wait for so much and yet you keep me waiting._

"_I dream of the world you might live in. I dream of your features…a blend of your mother's and mine…and hopefully enough of hers to lift the limitations sometimes imposed on me. I dream of what you might do, who you might become. I dream of all you might learn from me and from your uncles._

"_I miss you so much little one. I know that I still have yet to meet you but you have no idea how much I want to._

"_Until we meet, I will sign off simply with love from your father."_

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**So...it's been a while since I have written much of anything...but this song made me think. And then Buck wanted to talk. So I let him.**

**I hope you all liked it. -J**

* * *

**To Whom it May Concern – The Civil Wars** (Joy Williams/John Paul White)

Why are you so far from me?  
In my arms is where you ought to be  
How long will you make me wait?  
I don't know how much more I can take  
I missed you  
But I haven't met you  
Oh but I want to  
How I do  
Slowly counting down the days  
Till I finally know your name  
Ooo the way your hand feels round my waist  
The way you laugh  
The way your kisses taste  
I missed you  
But I haven't met you  
Oh but I want to  
How I do, How I do  
I've missed you  
But I haven't met you  
Oh I missed you  
I haven't met you  
Oh but I want to  
Oh how I want to  
Dear whoever you might be  
I'm still waiting patiently.


End file.
